YuGiOh! Goes to WalMart
by MeesiLightning
Summary: Pretty self explanatory. Rated M because of sexual innuendo and language. Slight yaoi, because yaoi rocks. YamixYugi, BakuraxRyou, KaibaxJou, NunsxNuns.
1. Of Nuns and Pretty Boys

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Zoe: OMG!11one. I finally wrote another story, after...what, 3 years? XD Anyway. This is a nice little tidbid of story that I like to call: Yu-Gi-Oh! Goes to Wal-Mart! (bitches).

Yami: Your face is a Wal-Mart...

Yugi: Zoe doesn't own Wal-Mart (though it's a dream), us (we'd kill ourselves if she did), or anything else. Unless she specifically says she does own it.

Zoe: I OWN COSMO! Oh, and this is also a one-shot (I bet that makes you more happy than me finally making a new story, because I so freaking suck at updating...).

**Yu-Gi-Oh! Goes To Wal-Mart**

Bakura, Ryou, Yami, Yugi, Kaiba, and Jou all sat around Yugi's living room staring at each other. Suddenly, Jou took a piece of popcorn and threw it at Yugi. Yugi in turn threw a piece at Yami. Yami ran away crying. Everyone started pelting popcorn at his back, then at each other. Yami cameback out a few minutes later in a fat suit stuffed with pillows. He tried to sit down on the couch but fell and started rolling. Kaiba opened the door and Yami rolled out the door.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--SHIT!" The sound of marshmellow hitting metal was heard. All was quiet for a few seconds.

Suddenly, Yugi jumped up, accidentally spraying Bakura with all the kernels that had collected on his pants.

"GODDAMMIT, MIDGET!" Bakura screamed and ran into the next room crying.

"Uhhh...right. Anyway, bitches, I got a plan to end our boredom. Let's go to Wal-Mart."

"We did that yesterday, small fry." Jou said lazily.

Yugi dropkicked Jou. "SHADDUP! Today is different. Today, our goal is to get kicked out by 4am. We go on teams of two. First couple to get kicked out wins 50 bucks."

"What if you lose?" Ryou asked.

"LET'S GO!"

* * *

The gang collected Yami (he ended up stuck in Mrs. Next Door's hedges), shoved him into the trunk of their Mustang, and zoomed off into the night. Bakura tried sticking his head out the window but Ryou grabbed him by the collar and drug him back in, while Kaiba was driving. A huge blue greyhound bus drove up beside them.

"NUNS!" Bakura screeched and him and Yugi pulled down their pants and shoved their buttocks against the window.

The nuns in the bus started whooping and taking off their clothes as well.

"Friggin' A! Of all the nun buses out at 2am, we had to get the one of prostitutes!"

The group was saved the embarrasment of responding, for Kaiba pulled into the parking lot at that precise moment. The nuns pulled in beside them. The muffled yells from Yami in the trunk were forgotten as all the doors flew open and the nuns and our beloved (yaoi) teams (couples) raced each other into the cheap haven known as Wal-Mart.

Bakura, Ryou, and Yugi took off to the toys section; Kaiba and Jou took off to, what they told the others were, the books. But as we later find out; they were searching for condoms and sex toys.

* * *

"Blue, forty two! HIKE!" Ryou shouted as he ran backwards.

"GO LONG!" Yugi cried.

"I AM!" Ryou yelled in return, as he toppled over a life-size Doodlebop doll.

"Goddamn Doodlebops...first they invade the toothpaste, then their faces are on the box of condoms that I DIDN'T buy, and now they're in Wal-Mart trying to kill people," he grumbled.

Yugi opened his mouth to make a smartass reply, when their attention was turned to the flash of light that just went zooming past them, and a few seconds later, the panting blue vest wearing a human.

The panting blue vest glared at them, and the innocent customer that walked up behind them to purchase a Pokemon doll. "Does that--THING--belong to you?"

"Never seen her in my life." The freak buying a Pokemon doll said.

"I have a thing."

"I had sex with him last night."

The now-no-longer-panting blue vast stared at them with open eyes. "Excuse me, young men, but we here at Wal-Mart don't tolerate that kind of talk. I'm going to have to ask you to--" but he was cut short as the flash of light zoomed by again and knocked him off his feet. He hit his head on the floor, and became unconcious.

"OHMYFREAKINGGODTHATWASBETTERTHANSEXWEHAVETODOITAGAIN!" it said. (If you haven't caught on yet, that was Bakura on a skateboard).

Yugi stared at Bakura, his lower lip trembling. "You...you...you..." and he burst into tears.

Ryou looked quite shocked as well. "Bakura! How could you! We almost had him!" and he started crying as well.

"What?" Bakura asked dumbfounded. "Were you trying to get into his pants or something?"

"WE ALMOST WON THE BET! HE WAS ABOUT TO KICK US OUT UNTIL YOU OH-SO-KINDLY KNOCKED HIM UNCONSCIOUS!" and he threw himself at Yugi and they cried together, wallowing in their self pity. Bakura still looked dumbfounded.

* * *

The prostitute-nuns (there's four of them) were busy eyeing Kaiba and Jou from behind a shelf.

Kaiba was busy peering at a small box. "What do you think of this one, Jou?" he shoved the box in his face.

"Well..." Jou said backing up slightly, "now that I can -see- it, I think it'll do nicely. Throw it in the..." he wriggled his eyebrows, "cart." Kaiba looked left, right, up, down, and diagonally before screaming, "PENIS!" Then he waited a few seconds. Nothing happened. So he slowly slipped the small box into his purse while making James Bond noises.

"Thank you, Captain Obnoxious."

"Don't you mean Captain Obvious?"

"What did you do that was obvious? You nearly gave us away!"

"Your face is obvious."

Jou sweatdropped.

Kaiba, in a random twitch of passion, suddenly pounced on Jou and started making out with him. The prostitute-nuns' eyes widened in horror.

"Shit! We're not gonna get any money from them, they're GAY!" And they raised their rulers above their heads, poised to attack. They nearly cracked them down on Kaiba and Jou's heads, but just then, Yami crashed into them riding an electric wheelchair.

"Damn bitches," he said puffing on a cigarrette. He threw it on the floor and ground it with his shoe. Then he looked to see who he knocked out.

"SHIT! It was the nuns! I meant to hit YOU!" he exclaimed, pointing wildly at Kaiba and Jou.

Jou stared at Yami, thinking fast to come up with something to make him go away.

"Uhh...uhh...YUGI'S HAVING SEX WITH RYOU IN THE BATHROOM!"

Yami cackled evilly, "Like I'm gonna fall for that!"

Jou turned to Kaiba, "Damnit, that didn't work. I guess he won't buy the one about Mr. Clean signing autographs on aisle 14."

"MR. CLEAN! HERE? IN A LOWLY WAL-MART! Goddamit, the one night I leave home without my beloved Mr. Clean bottle!" and Yami jumped back onto his electric wheelchair, and zoomed away at -5 miles an hour to the cleaning products.

* * *

"Was that Yami?" Yugi asked as a spikey-haired freak rolled casually by in an electric wheelchair.

"I think so." Ryou commented, as he watched Yami roll away too.

"Damn, he lost weight fast."

"He must be aneorexic."

"Stupid whore."

"Wait...if I'm with you trying to get thrown out, and Bakura's with you trying to get thrown out, then if we get thrown out you two will win and I won't because I'm supposed to get thrown out with Yami. DAMN YOU BOTH!" and he took off after Yami.

* * *

Yugi jogged until he caught up with Yami, then he started walking really slow because the electric wheelchair didn't even go at the speed of walking. "Hey Yami, whatcha doin'?"

"I'm going to rape Mr. Clean."

"...oh. Um, you know, we're suppose to be trying to get thrown out. If we lose, you know what'll happen..."

"No, you never said what'll happen if you lose. ...what'll happen?"

"Either Kaiba and Jou will beat us, or Bakura and Ryou will."

"How long do we have?"

"About an hour and a half."

"HOLY HELL! THAT'S TOMORROW! WE BETTER GET GOING!" and he leaned forward, "Come on, dammit, MOVE!"

While Yami was so focused on going faster, and Yugi was so focused on the fact that his yami just openly admitted to wanting to have sex with another man, they didn't notice the shelf of Harry Potter dolls right in front of them.

Yugi looked up just in time. "QUICK, YAMI, TURN! You're about to hit the oh-so-sexy Harry Potter in doll form!"

Yami turned rapidly, so rapidly in fact that he didn't notice the shelf of Anzu dolls and hit them, causing an Anzu avalanche.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they both screamed and ran. Well, Yugi ran, Yami was still in the wheelchair. So he jumped out and ran.

"Thank God, we managed to get away without touching any of them..." Yugi panted, hanging onto a random pole for dear life.

Yami, meanwhile, had tears in his eyes. "My...my wheelchair..." and the sparkling sound came on when anime characters cried. Yami glared at the air. "DAMMIT, THIS IS NOT THE TIME! I'M IN MOURNING!"

"Sorry..." the sparkling sound said and vanished.

Suddenly, Mr. Clean jumped down from a shelf of diapers. He said in a deep, husky voice, "I heard the sound of falling anime dolls, and came to the rescue at once. It wasn't any evil dolls, was it?"

"Uh, not particularly evil, but a rather hated character." Yugi said. Yami ran up and pushed him aside and latched himself unto Mr. Clean. "My love! You finally came for me! ...NOW SAVE MY WHEELCHAIR, DAMMIT!"

"Please save my wheelchair?"

But Mr. Clean suddenly took off, tripping over the wheelchair, and without meaning to, clearing it and a nice little path in front of it of the Anzu dolls.

"YAY! MR. CLEAN REALLY DOES LOVE ME!" and Yami jumped happily back into the chair, and rolled off again at about half the speed at which he was walking earlier.

* * *

Kaiba and Jou were strolling through the clearance items, checking out some nice whips, when suddenly the intercom crackled and a very familar voice came over.

"Attention, Wal-Mart shoppers! We have a special going on in aisle 69, two very hot and slightly used gay boys--" the intercom grew staticy for a few seconds and then they heard another familar voice go, "BAKURA, DAMMIT! Let go of the microphone! IT'S MY TURN!"

"And here we have one very bitchy, PMSing, hikari! He's a mere 5 feet, 7 inches, and kinda scrawney--" More static.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A girl shrieked. More static. Then the same voice came on again sounding bored, "Ah, bloody hell. Bugger this." and the microphone was clicked off.

About 3 minutes later, a very pissed off voice came back on. "Attention Wal-Mart shoppers. If anyone has any information about the hooligans who were over the intercom recently, please come see a manager. There is a reward. And if anyone has seen the unfortunate cashier whose microphone was so violently stolen from him, by the name of Stan Shunpike, please report so immediately. He seems to have disappeared into thin air, and we really need our cashier back. To stock and ring up and stuff." Another click. And then a song came on.

_Somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend, that looks like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year..._

"Hey Bakura," Kaiba called as he saw Ryou and Bakura run past, who abruptly stopped. "Yami's singing about Ryou!"

Bakura started listening. As if on cue, the song made the screwy rewinding-itself-noise, and the same lyric replayed again. Bakura grew to about 10 times his normal size, and glared down at Kaiba with blood-red eyes. Kaiba whimpered and cowered.

Bakura squeaked, "YOU'RE SO MEAN!", went back to his normal size, and ran into the bathroom. A few seconds later, some guys screeched and ran out.

* * *

Pegasus (Peggy) was singing quietly to himself as he stocked up on some groceries (yeah, sure, he could get his servants to if he wanted, but even millionaires like a good ol' fashioned trip to Walmart at 3:30am), "If I was a rich girl, nananananananana, see I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy giiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrlllllll...see what money could buy, I'd have everything..." but he was slowly getting louder and louder until he abandoned his cart and was screaming into a hairbrush-microphone. Innocent customers backed up slowly, then ran away, abandoning their would-be purchases.

"Was that Peggy?" asked Yugi.

"Nah, it couldn't be," answered Yami, as he carefully examined hair products. "Do you think this stuff would give my spikes the same oomph that they get from Herbal Essences? It's two bucks cheaper."

"Ooooh, yes...Yes, YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!" Yugi mocked the Herbal Essences commerical.

"SHADDUP!" Yami said as he hurled a bottle of mousse at Yugi. "People are going to think we're having sex."

"So..." Yugi meekly responded as he rubbed his head. The one on top of his neck.

* * *

"OH MY GOD! I just got a great idea!" and Jennifer explained the idea to her sister. "Put that in mah story, bitch" she commanded.

"No," René said, for she had total control of the keyboard. Muahahahaha.

Jennifer shoved her sister out of the chair, l;aiutfkl;sdygh uyd aFKJDSKLHG,NLSD help --and flexed her fingers as she poised to type again. "Stupid whore," she mumbled, then pounded her chest with her fist like Stewie Griffin did in that one episode of Family Guy, "This is mah house!" she typed as she ended this random insert and went to put in her idea.

But René wasn't done yet. She had walked out of the room when Jennifer so rudely shoved her out of the chair, but now she stuck her head back in. "AHFOEJPFEJI!" she squirted Febreze at Jennifer, although she was 5 feet from the door. Then René took off again and promptly got yelled at by their mother (Muwhahahaha...)

Okay. That's enough of that.

* * *

Ryou and Bakura had wandered back to the toys (they walked all the way around the store to put as much distance between them and the check-out lanes as possible, but if they were smart enough to realize they were in a circular-style WalMart, they would have remembered the toys were right next to the lanes).

Ryou put a baseball bat between his legs. "BAKURA, YOU FILTHY WHORE! WATCH!" When Bakura turned to look, Ryou started stroking the baseball bat.

"STOP THAT!" Bakura screamed as he tackled Ryou, "YOU'RE GIVING ME A HARD ON!"

"That was the point, stupid."

"Oh."

* * *

"Yami, I'm bored."

Yami rolled on, ignoring Yugi.

"Yami, I'm _really _bored."

Yami swerved and crashed the front end (basket and wheel) of his chair into Yugi, and because he's so short, it hit his head.

Yugi slapped Yami, and threw a random bottle of Mr. Clean at him (which Yami promptly shoved under his shirt), then looked at his watch. "SHIT! It's 3:45! Yami, goddamit, you're so lazy that we haven't even -tried- to get thrown out!"

Yami grunted and took another puff of his cigarrette, which had randomly got back into his mouth.

Yugi sweatdropped.

* * *

15 minutes later, three disgruntled couples were at the Family Fun Factory. Yugi, Ryou, and Jou were all fighting over who got to ride the pink pony on the carousel, while Bakura, Yami (who was still in his wheelchair, which as thus been nicknamed 'Cosmo'), and Kaiba were looking embarrased and pretending not to know them.

"This bloody well sucks," Bakura grumbled, "Not one of us even got close to being thrown out! I guess nobody get 50 bucks..." he mentioned sadly.

Yami and Kaiba noddled solemnly while chugging beer (where the hell do they keep getting this stuff? They're all under 18!).

Meanwhile, Yugi, Ryou, and Jou had settled on a compromise. Yugi was riding on the pink pony's saddle, Ryou was wrapped around the pole under the pony, and Jou was wrapped around the top pole like a snake.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" they all said happily.

When the ride stopped, they were all walking out of the store, still depressed. They were so depressed, they may need a few doses of Prozac. But anyway. When they reached the doors, the nuns walked up to them, smirking (where had they run off to, anyway?).

"What the bloody hell do you want?" Ryou growled, for some reason, now talking in a British accent again.

The nuns cackled, "We heard the girl-ish looking one saying something about 50 bucks. We think you owe it to us."

"And why the $&# should we give the (#-ing money to you?" Yugi replied completely out of character.

"Because we were thrown out for having crazy lesbian sex in one of the display tents."

Yugi gasped. Ryou gasped. Bakura gasped. Kaiba and Jou gasped. Yami picked his nose.

"YOU STUPID WHORES!" Bakura screeched.

The nuns beamed. "Why, thank you!"

All six of them (after Yugi kicked Yami to get his attention), chased after the nuns (except for Yami, who was still riding Cosmo) while waving those super-long tubes of pixie stix.

"WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THROWN OUT FIRST TOO! IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!" they all cried, as they jumped into their car (after Yami put Cosmo in the trunk), and sped off to chase the nuns at 110 MPH.

Zoe: Well, I hope you enjoyed it! If I get more ideas, and people threatening me, I may be persuaded to make a sequel...Oh! And I'd also love to thank my lovely sister, Chloe/René. It took me two weeks to write this story, although I technically only worked on it two days. I got stuck about a quarter through it on the first night, and then we were hyper last night and I forced her to help me finish it. She's a great muse.

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	2. Bakura's Secret Wish

Hi guys! Zoe slash Jennifer here! Firstly, thank you guys for all the reviews and comments I've received on this weird story. I'm sorry if I didn't have time to reply to all of you, but I appreciated your reviews all the same! :)

This chapter is dedicated to YamiAkimotoMayu, for inspiring me to write again! I've been thinking about this story a lot lately, because I had so much fun writing the first chapter. And yeah, I know I said it was a one-shot, but I lied. It's at least going to be a 3-shot, for now. But her review (and everyone else's, really!) pushed me over the edge to really getting off my lazy butt and writing it. So I hope you enjoy!

A Few Notes: Yes, I know no one in the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom calls Bakura "Ryou". Apparantly it's a heated debate just about everywhere. But for the sake of this story, it's just easier for me. And we can always pretend that somehow magically they decided to call him by his given name. Also, this story is waaaaaay OOC anyway! Oh, and remember Yami's electric wheelchair, Cosmo? Yeah, just wondering if you did. XD You'll see why in the story~.

Disclaimer: Still too poor to afford stupidity! I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!

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Bakura was sitting on the floor, a skateboard balanced in his lap. He was happily polishing the wheels, when he stopped for a second to admire his hot self in the reflection. And the second turned into 15 seconds. And 15 seconds turned into 2 minutes. And 2 minutes turned into 10 hours.

When Ryou came home after a long night of working at Hooters, Bakura was passed out on the floor with his skateboard cuddled to his face like a little puppy dog.

"Awww..." Ryou said as he gently covered Bakura with a blanket. "Bakura's got a strange, unhealthy addiction to looking at himself in anything that reflects images! How precious!" And he continued to coo odd things at him.

"Stupid omote..." Bakura mumbled in his sleep. "He doesn't understand me like you do, Skateboard...he's always taking my make-up, and my daffodils, and my tampons and saying I'm a freak and I'm a boy and I better accept it...but you get me...I love you so much..." And he started licking the board in his sleep.

"Bakura, you jackass! You're such a jerk, even in your sleep!" And Ryou raised his arm, ready to attack. But just then, the phone rang.

"Hello?" Ryou answered as he picked it up, still glaring daggers at Bakura.

Silence.

"Heelllooooooo?"

Silence.

"Who is this? What do you want? If it's about my subscription to Playgirl I can explain!"

Silence.

"Bitch you better speak up now or before you know it I'll be over there kicking the mother loving cra--"

Suddenly, the sound of a scrapple was heard in the background before Yami's voice came over the line, panting slightly.

"Ryou! Sorry, Yami here! That was Cosmo, lately he's taken to drunk-dialing. I'll slap him around later for you. Anyway, Yuugi and I were really hot and we were wondering what your pool is looking like. Yesterday you said it was green-ish."

"Well...it's looking pretty wet right now."

"You're such a smart-ass. You know what I meant!"

"Well, honestly, it's still pretty green. ...and why do you only seem to call me when you want to swim in my pool?!"

But then the phone clicked off.

"Ugh! Yami, you're a jerk too!" And he stomped off to his room to write bad gothic poetry.

But then his stupid phone rang again.

"WHAT?!" He screamed into it.

"Errr...hello to you too, Ryou! Yuugi here. I heard what Yami said to you, and I'm sorry. Of course we mostly like you for your pool. You're a nice enough guy, Ryou, but you're just not a main character. Sorry."

"...main character? What the hell are you talking about? Are you trying again to make everyone believe that crap about our lives being broadcast as some crappy children's cartoon where we wave cards around and try to look cool? Don't make me call the psychiatrist...again!"

"DAMMIT, RYOU! I KNOW WHAT I SAW!" Yuugi coughed. "Sorry, Ryou, but you know how I feel about this. I know I saw a bunch of giggling freaks video-taping almost every duel we were ever in and even a few shower scenes of Yami and me. But anyway, that's not why I was calling. We're bored, and were wondering if you and Bakura wanted to go to Wal-Mart with us?"

"Ugghh...I don't know. I've been working all night, and Bakura's sleeping--"

"Well, wake her ass up!"

"Yuugi! Bakura's still a boy! He hasn't saved up enough money yet."

"Oh, my bad. Anyway, wake his frickin' ass up and come with us!"

"UGH, FINE! Geez you're such a freak. But I'm only going because I need to buy some more shampoo."

"Fine, I'll let you buy your smelly pansy shampoo. As long as it's not that coconut-scented crap."

"What if I prefer that coconut-scented crap?!"

"You see, Ryou! That's exactly why you're not a main character! YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME 'CAUSE I'M THE FRICKING KING OF GAMES."

"Yuugi, shut UP about that already! You're not the damn King of Games and you know it!" And now it was Ryou's turn to slam the phone down on its receiver.

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Well, there you go! Sorry, no Wal-Mart action yet. We'll get to it, I promise! (mumbles) ...it might take another five years, though...

Anyway! I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for doing that thing!


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